Chapter One

Are You Getting What You Want?

Outgrowing the Old Rules

Are you happy with the relationship you're in today? Or are you frustrated, knowing that no matter how hard you try, the open-heartedness that first drew you and your partner together seems awfully hard to win back? Perhaps you're in a difficult relationship that needs substantial change, or perhaps you are in a good-enough relationship that could be made better. Maybe you're looking for a new relationship that doesn't repeat the mistakes of the past. In any case, if you are reading these words, chances are you feel that something has been missing. It may be tempting to avoid acknowledging that feeling, but I'd like to ask you to trust your instinct. Twenty-five years of helping couples change and grow has taught me that if you feel things could be better, you're probably right. A lot better, in fact.

People may tell you that what you're looking for is unrealistic. I don't think so. Well-meaning friends and family may focus on your need to compromise. I don't want you to. Your relationship is too important for compromise. Your work may be rewarding, your kids great, and your friends wonderful, but in the end, your bond with the person you live out your life with--the one you grow up and grow old with--is the single most important connection you will ever have. I want you to go after what it is that you want--with skill and with love--and get it.

Both in counseling couples and in workshops I've lead around the country, I have taught people from all walks of life how to turn bad relationships into good ones, and good relationships into great ones. Because great is what you're really after. Great is what you deserve. Not merely a relationship you can live with, but one that is truly alive--passionately, tenderly, maddeningly filled to the brim with unexpected twists and turns, with comfort and solidity, with the sense of knowing and being known, and loving one another anyway. How do you get such a relationship? You don't get it, you build it, thoughtfully and skillfully, brick by brick.

Do you have the skills to do this? Have you been taught the craft of creating and sustaining a truly great relationship? If you're like most of us, your upbringing--that curious mixture of what you've picked up about how to be close from society in general and from your family in particular--has not only failed to give you the tools you need, but has actively filled your head with a bunch of unhelpful nonsense. Nonsense like "You'd better not make him too angry." Or, "If she really loved me, she'd . . ." Or, "I could be happy if only you'd . . ."

Like a tennis player who's performed well enough with rotten technique, in order to master relationships you don't just have to learn how to do it; first you have to unlearn all your bad habits. Think of me as your intimacy coach. Together, we're going to strip down your usual relationship routines and redo them, from the very basics. Will it be comfortable? Probably not. If it is, it means I'm not doing my job. Imagine going out on a tennis court with a totally new grip after years of holding your racquet in one familiar way. Comfortable? No. But does the new, proper grip give you a more effective stroke? Once you get used to it, there's no comparison.

Reading this, a part of you may be wondering, "Has the game of love really grown so technical that I need an intimacy coach just to have a decent relationship? Whatever happened to falling in love and, well . . . just getting along?" That kind of spontaneity is fine--if it's working for you. Ask yourself: Is it? If you're like most people, the honest answer is somewhere between a...

 

Your expectations of what an intimate relationship is--emotional sharing, mutual support, responsibility, vitality--belong to a new kind of marriage, one very different from your parents' or grandparents', says the author in this refreshing guide to 21st-century marriage. With specific recommendations, Real explains how to "work" a relationship to a better place in the five realms of human experience--intellectual, emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual. Tightly written stories of couples dealing with their issues keep the lesson real without straying from the ideas that hold it together. Marc Cashman's straightforward interpretation allows the author's wisdom to shine. The boyish innocence in Cashman's voice will help listeners be more receptive to the ideas--some of the most powerful ever written on marriage. T.W. (c) AudioFile 2007, Portland, Maine

 

"Terry Real helps overturn old-fashioned, confining roles and opens up a treasury of hope for lasting and exciting intimacy for couples everywhere. This is a wonderful, joyful, and highly useful book."

 

"Falling in love is easy, staying in love is another matter. Couples yearning for more closeness are truly in uncharted territory . . . until now, that is. This book offers amazing new insights about men and women and what it takes to make relationships work in our ever-changing culture."

 

"If you're tired of the same old dance, get ready to learn a few new steps--real steps--the ones that will make a difference in your life and the lives of those you love."

 

"Terrence Real offers a brilliant, winning strategy for achieving the full-tilt, authentic, exhilarating connection both women and men crave. Real's revolutionary program is sure to lead them to it--with the dignity, fairness, and humor that characterizes his work."

 

"An amazing guide to developing powerful relational skills. It is served up with great wit and a keen sense of humor--a great read."

 

"Groundbreaking, insightful, funny, this book brings readers the inside scoop. Sharing the deep and simple truths, it offers us practical wisdom everybody can use to make love work."

 

The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real
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